6 October. 2021
♡ i think i'm going to make another website. i don't know if this makes sense but i'm much more confortable sharing all my thoughts anonymously for anyone on the internet to see than people i know irl seeing them and knowing that i wrote them. so i'll have this site, which is the personal site, and the new site, for art and interests and all things like that
2 October. 2021
♡ this is me with the words on the tip of my tounge and my eye through the scope down the barrel of a gun
♡ this is you trying hard to make sure that you're seen with a girl on your arm and your heart on your sleeve
♡ i know it's really bad, but cutting is the only thing that helps me to get that pent up frustration out :(
27 Sept. 2021
♡ i'm finally almost finished with that english paper. i was stalling on it for so long lololol, my teacher probably forgot about it by now, its like 1 or 2 weeks late but i get a pass bc i stopped coming to school LMAO
♡ forgot to mention, but the house i moved into is right next to my middle school crush (he's lived here ever since i knew him). ahh really, i hope i can see him. i'm listening to celebrate by tiny moving parts right now (i used to always listen to this album during middle school so thats why ♡) and thinking about what my younger self would think about me now. she probably would be so ecstatic
♡ i was going to say that i relapsed today, but i guess i wasn't really clean to begin with. i used a razor blade i stole from my dad and made what were probably the deepest cuts i've ever done
♡ i'm listening to tell all your friends by taking back sunday and it's raining outside. its a happy kind of sadness. i think i'll work on the website tonight
26 Sept. 2021
♡ i really hope my writing for english class isn't too dark. i'm not trying to sound like an edgelord but my last assigment i wrote out a scene from American Psycho and now I'm writing about the Franz Ferdinand assasination in great detail. like i hope my writing doesn't get me in trouble kekekekek
♡ also apparently new format. i did it on complete accident but i really like how it looks :D
♡ another thing that was caused by my arrogance: no one ever thinks i'm being genuine anymore. people take my nice comments as sarcasm :( i did this to myself though sadly
25 Sept. 2021
♡ i got spacers in my teeth yesterday and they hurt so bad that i can't eat anything :(
♡ can't remember if i wrote it here but a few weeks ago i found my dad's replacement blades for his pocket knife. i was considering taking one but i didn't because i heard online that they're a lot sharper than you think when you cut with them. anyways, i used one today to open a box and lightly pressed it to my thigh to see if it would do anything. gosh... it cut just as much as my flimsy dull blades, and i was only playing with them. i really need to stay mentally stable in this house because i've found so many ways to kill myself here, and sometimes i'm so impulsive that i could just die really quick...
♡ i'm having issues with gender again... i don't know, some days i feel like a girl, and some days i feel like a boy. i'm thinking about cutting my hair to be a bit more boyish but i'm afraid i might regret it
/sigh/ here is a rant... so i really want to be in a band or have some friends to have fun with. i want to live that early 2000's emo life, being 16 at a show in someone's basement. the problem is that i live in an incredibly small town and go to an even smaller school. im fortunate enough to have a pretty big group of friends, but none of them are what i'm looking for.
all of my friends have no interest in music at all, which is so strange to me. [A] only listens to current popular songs, and she's rarely ever listening to music. the closest i have is [T], who listens to Brand New occasionally, but i made a spotify blend with them and the rest of their music taste kind of really sucks. and either way, this is the friend i talked about ditching, and they really are not up to putting effort into anything.
the worst problem overall is that all of my friends are the paranoid, introverted type. the type to panic because you drew a smiley face on a desk. i just want to have fun but their idea of fun is looking at tumblr and laughing at memes from 2014.
♡ hmm i think i'm finally over being narcissistic and negative :) *listens to deja entendu once* OHFUCKOHFUCKOHFUCK-
22 Sept. 2021
♡ i'm offically ditching one of my friends for good. they're like a demon. when i talk to them, my face ages, i feel empty inside, and people avoid me
♡ new house! "clyde's bedroom is painted pink and is always full of light" ♡ i'm better now, i can tell
♡ i have this really vivid memory of being driven home by my dad after school freshman year, and desperately trying not to sob while listening to brother's song by brand new. i remember that my friends would invite me places and give me the wrong address, make group chats without me, laugh at me... i'm glad im in a better place now
18 Sept. 2021
♡ i really hope i don't become so toxic again, at least not for a while. having a huge ego was almost addicting at some points but it eventually made me miserable because all i was thinking is "why am i here with all these inferior people when i can be on top of the world", i'm a lot happier now, although i will miss listening to tommy gun by brand new every day before school and making sure that i don't miss the "handsome and smart" line
♡ spent the night watching kpop, dan and phil, venus angelic, and just old youtube videos in general
♡ ahhh that english paper is rlly stressing me out >__< usually i'm pretty good at writing and i can come up with things to write about, but i'm totally stumped on this assignment :(
♡ i like introducing my friends to new music !! here are some songs that [K] likes from me~:
☆ when the sun hits - slowdive
☆ bloodhail - have a nice life
☆ how soon is now - the smiths
☆ when you sleep - my bloody valentine
☆ genesis - grimes
☆ oblivion - grimes
☆ black sheep - metric
☆ not allowed - tv girl
☆ new york kiss - spoon
17 Sept. 2021
♡ idk why but the writing on the side of cd packaging makes me rlly happy.. like when i see "brand new yourfavoriteweapon" my heart becomes happy, or on spotify when it says yourfavoriteweapon real faintly on the bottom of the album cover.. eeek!
♡ okieokie, so im finally almost better, and i was right! i finally feel lovely again.... like i'm not about to snap at someone or feeling empty inside... i'm finally lovely again :)
♡ i'm going to a football game on sunday with my dad, and im excited. i think it'll remind me of being a kid again, and it'll be the first time i've left the house in so long!
♡ think i'm finally going to work on more pages for the site... i've got my schoolwork all under control except for that stupid english paper !! >__<
13 Sept. 2021
♡ ok so my plan worked out but i fucked it up bc i fell asleep and didn't finish my art project so now it's late and i have to finish it today as well as my other two assignments. one of them is rewritting a scene from the crucible but with a different setting, so i did mine during the mongolian empire (specifically the mongol conquest of the jin dynasty), but i want to redo it to something with franz ferdinand because for whatever reason he's all i've been thinking about lately. unfortunately this does mean that i have to rewrite my story, but it never really was written to begin with so whatever
♡ right now im thinking about san diego. 07.22 - 07.26 listenting to brand new while looking out over the balcony, eating ice cream on the pier, staying in the sun until my skin turned red. i can't wait to go back ♡
12 Sept. 2021
♡ gosh, i'm really stressed about all the work i need to do @__@ i guess today i can do the work for my art class, which i need to submit by 11:59PM, and if i miss school on monday then i can spend that day working on things for other classes. thinking about it now, that plan should work out :)
11 Sept. 2021
♡ can't you, can't you feel it, rollin off your lips tensing up your shoulders, come on... well it's love, make it hurt
♡ i'm pretty sure i've listened to every Brand New song at least a hundred times now, including demos, unreleased, instrumentals, etc... it just makes me a bit sad knowing there's a good chance that i'll never hear one of their songs for the first time again
♡ one of the things i hate the most about being sick is physically not being able to do anything. i have so much school work to do but im so weak that i can't even get out of bed. i might be hospitalized as well. but i got a note from the doctor to excuse me from doing work
♡ i'm thinking about it now.. so im 16 and the first time i ever cut myself was january 2015, but i wanted to since august 2014 but wan't able to get the blades at the time. so i was 9 years old looking at pictures of slit wrists on the internet and debating how i was going to kill myself... God....
10 Sept. 2021
♡ you be the anchor that keeps my feet on the ground, i'll be the wings that keep your heart in the clouds
hello everyone ~ recently i've become horribly sick so i've got no other choice to stay home, so i'm going to try and fix up this website!! i don't know how to explain it, but when i get sick like this (which is not often) i feel like its something telling me that i've become... rotten... on the inside.
the last time this happened was in 2018, i was so sick, and all i did was sit at home, watch kpop videos, update my tumblr blog, and work on websites. before then i was completely degenerate. i would say horrible things, come to school in my pjs every day, never brush my hair or my teeth... the point is i was horrible inside and out. after the sickness i became lovely. i was pretty because i took care of myself, i put effort into the things i would do. i was nice to people and made friends with my entire year. everybody loved me. eversince august of 2019, i rapidly started losing it. i would get into fights with my peers, i lost all my friends, my hair started thinning out and my teeth started to get crooked. even now, i still have problems getting along with people, my narcissism and arrogance is at an all time high (see: what i wrote for previous days)
anyways, that sickness is back now, and i hope it brings something good. i hope the sickness removes all the rot from my heart and from my brain. i want to redeem myself.
29 Aug. 2021
♡ right now i've got a lot of work to do, and the only thing that keeps me going is the need to be better than everyone, especially those nEuRoDiVeRgEnT kids on tiktok who whine about not being able to get anything done
♡ one page im working on right now is a photo archive. i'll just post pictures there
♡ spending all night talking people on the internet out of suicide, getting groomed in chatrooms, reading phan and mcr fanfiction, slitting my wrists and thighs, and spam reblogging on tumblr... i'd do anything to go back to that time though
♡ it's weird because it feels like even though all of my childhood friends grew up, i'm still just like a kid. like i feel like im years behind all of my friends even though im the same age as them
♡ probably going to redo this page... idk just suddenly i don't like it anymore
26 Aug. 2021
♡ i'm really sick right now, so i'll be at home for a while
♡ sometimes i wish i could just stay home and do my work when i feel like i can't function in social sitautions, but last time i did that i was the most miserable i had every been, and i know i need the social interaction
♡ i'm so sick of myself :(
♡ it's hard to always forgive someone when every day there's something new to forgive
24 Aug. 2021
♡ i've got a huge list of things to do, but not enough time in the world to do it all. i've got ideas for this website that i'm working on, several school assignments piling up, drawings to do, instruments to practice... i might be able to get it all done, but as soon as i get home from school i waste away hours on the internet, and i'm far too tired to do anything :((
23 Aug. 2021
♡ seventy times seven. :)
17 Aug. 2021
♡ keep feeding my ego. keep telling me how great i am. keep calling me handsome and smart. i know i'm full of myself but it's nice to hear someone else say it.
♡ i like when i get along with my father. but as i got older, he starts trying to have "intellectual" conversations... except for his definition of that is talking about his conspiracy theories (which he never has evidence for), and how there is no hope for the world. i'm not really depressed or anything, but when he talks, he makes the world seem so awful that i feel almost suicidal. if the world is going to hell like you say, then why should i be alive. im 16, and if it's only getting worse from here, shouldn't i just kill myself now, or live the next 30+ years in a horrible world. i'm going to tell my mom this tomorrow, because even though i know he has good intentions, he only makes me miserable. i know the world has issues, but i want to be happy in life. there is still beauty in the world.
♡ i can't help but be a bit disappointed in myself. i can never be bothered to get out of bed to do my homework or at least even go to school. i know i'm smart, but no matter what i feel like i can't do anything
♡ THE FEVER, THE FOCUS, THE REASONS I HAD TO BELIEVE YOU WEREN'T TOO HARD TO SELL!
15 Aug. 2021
♡ once said, always said. i will hold the past over your head.
25 July 2021
♡ tell me what you miss about me - cape may
♡ we saw the western coast, i saw the hospital, and nursed the shoreline like a wound
♡ one of THOSE nights
20 July 2021
♡ "my nine millimeter handgun rides passenger seat just in case i need to pop a cap in someone's ass" - comment section on 'my nine rides shotgun'
♡ you can sin or spend the night all alone
11 July 2021
♡ 1 M1SS H3R S0 (｡•́︿•̀｡)
♡ but how could i miscalculate... perfect eyes will have perfect aim
♡ "check it out! there's me!" - elliot rodger
♡ youth is never coming back
5 July 2021
♡ this is the grace only we can bestow
♡ this is the price you pay for loss of control
♡ this is the break in the bend
♡ this is the closest of calls
♡ this is the reason you're alone
♡ this is the rise and the fall